I remember the first time I noticed that someone who was flirting with me at a bar was wearing a wedding ring... and now I find myself constantly checking that left ring finger before I even think about making eye contact. I don't know what it is, maybe I'm attracted to guys who like commitment... But then what do you do when one of these guys stops wearing his ring, and not for any sketchy reason, but his marriage has legitimately ended and he's back up for grabs. To make the matter even more complicated it's the person who you always regretted never telling your feelings to before he walked down the aisle. I would like to advise not doing what I did.
It started great, at first I was just happy to have the old friend back in my life (his wife didn't like me so we had lost touch). It felt really good, safe, comfortable, like no time had passed even though it had been 10 years. We were talking everyday... seeing each other most days... and I felt like I was back in high school (where we met). Even though so much had changed in my life and I do consider myself to be confidant and self-aware, I found myself feeling insecure and questioning if someone I had put on a pedestal for so long could actually ever really like someone like me. Then one night after a particularly delicious dinner he made it clear I was more than a friend, and that's when life got complicated.
I mean, let's back up for a second and think about this from his standpoint. Just got out of a 10 year relationship, of which 2.5 years were spent married. Still young. No kids. Why in the world would you want to rush into another relationship? It's basically like being given back your "get out of jail free" card that 99% of us abuse the shit out of in our early 20's. Not only did I think about this before anything had happened between us, but he actually said he thought he needed to be single for a while at dinner earlier that night. So there was really no delusion on what he wanted and what the intentions of this relationship would be.
On the flipside, my ex and I have been broken up for about a year, I am completely over the relationship and looking for my next one. But again, at my age, I'm not exactly looking to screw around anymore. I believe firmly in the rule of 3. If after 3 dates you don't feel a connection, it's not going to happen. And if it does it's not because of something that should matter (I once started to feel a "connection" with someone after a month when I saw another girl hitting on him). So clearly I was in a very different place than he was, but I still let my feelings and emotions get in the way and convinced myself this was a good idea.
I am, however, going to have to put a little bit of blame on him, because even though I knew he didn't want to be in a relationship, he was 100% the sweetest guy I've ever known. He was so overly thoughtful and wonderful. It wasn't fair because he made it feel like he had feelings that went beyond what our relationship was supposed to be. Then I got excited and started to hope that he wouldn't be acting like that if he didn't actually feel the same way. So I basically became a girl and let myself really start to like him despite him actually saying that he didn't want a relationship. Dumb, I know.
So we began what was a very interesting time in my life. We hung out and talked like friends, and then sometimes more would happen, sometimes it wouldn't. I tried to just enjoy the moment for what it was, not read into things. Which worked well for about 2 months, then the attention on me started to fade and I started getting a bit apprehensive about our situation... which trust me is never worth the pain. It turned out that he did want to be seeing other people (which made sense given he's just out of a marriage... and he said he wanted to be single). So... again being dumb... I didn't take the HUGE hint that he didn't want to be seeing me anymore and said that was ok, and figured I would just make sure that I was dating other people too.
I didn't really get to do that and the icing on the cake was he took me out for this amazing birthday dinner, and decided to dump me afterwards. Dumped on my birthday. Seriously... what kind of guy does that? Although by that point I was expecting it to happen over the next week... just not on that damn day. So it sucked. A lot. And I didn't really know what to say so I just cried (because that's how I deal with all emotion).
So now, here I am. 27 and completely single. Which I'm not saying is a bad thing, but it's not ideal when you really would like to settle down and have kids in the not too far off future. And now I'm trying to decide if I can go back to being friends with this guy. I find that I deal with life one of 3 ways:
1. Hold a grudge (doesn't happen too often, but if i do it's because you've really wronged me)
2. Have my moment (usually cry) and take a deep breath and move on with life
3. Cut the person out completely and forget anything ever happened.
I am leaning towards #2 for this one. As sad as it is getting dumped on my birthday doesn't even crack my "top 5" biggest jerks I've wasted time on, so #1 seems a bit unfair. And given that I've known him since I was 14 #3 would be harsh, especially given how nice it's been to have him in my life as a friend again.
So that's basically where I am today. And it sucks. However I do remain hopeful that all the good ones are not taken. In fact, I know this isn't true, and when the right one comes around it will just feel easy. A lot like this did for the first 2 months, but without the baggage of a recent ex wife.
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